Reflecting on 2018 was a tale of two selves for me. The husband/father, and the rest, i.e. the self. From the perspectives of my “kids” (I place the term in quotes because one just wrapped up her first semester of college and the other is one semester away from following her out the door of our home), it was an amazing year. And, not to brag or boast, but I am proud of the role I played in their years. My son confidently proclaimed it his “most productive year ever,” and I cannot argue with that assessment. The things they did, and my wife as well, would fill pages, and I could not be more proud!
I, on the other hand, cannot claim the same level of accomplishment. I did all that I could to support the three of them, and I do share in their achievements. I have no doubt that they would have done much or all of what they did with or without me, but there is great joy in making the paths of others a little smoother, a little clearer. Plenty of attaboys, attagirls, emotional support, encouragement that frequently dipped well into more philosophical waters, keeping the lows from getting too low and the highs from getting too high. Getting them to think about things from different perspectives, more broadly or more granular, varying the time horizons of the implications of their choices and decisions, realizing that their losses are sometimes others’ wins and reminding them that it can feel really good to be happy for others, that sort of thing. But as for me personally, while listening to John Lennon ask “so this is Christmas, what have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun,” I found myself wanting. Indeed, what HAD I done? Not much. Being there for others is essential, make no mistake. But one cannot live solely for others any more than he can live solely for himself. Not for any sustainable length of time, anyway.
To be sure, I had plenty of things that I did FOR myself. No one would ever accuse me of not taking enough time for myself, far from it! But I just did not make the most of all that self time. I read a lot, watched a lot, listened to a lot. I suppose I learned a lot, but only in the sense of knowing more stuff. The problem is that I did not do much with what I learned, and I don’t feel like I learned a new “thing,” a new skill. I wrote some, got into some entertaining Twitter fights back in the spring and summer before unfollowing the political content and miraculously finding myself a gentler, less angry human. So the “unfollow” capability is definitely a new arrow in my self-preservation quiver, now that I think about it. And, all rage and frustration aside, the realization of how pointless the whole political process and ensuing media coverage from both sides are was truly eye-opening, and I could not have gotten to it without the full immersion I employed from around February through, say, August.
A new camera, microphone, software, and LOTS of Youtube (again, something I had not previously explored, beyond looking up a specific viral video every now and then) led to attempts at photo and video editing. I did not stick with it long enough to consider video production a learned or even a developing skill, but it is too early to declare that I will never acquire those talents. Photo, video, and audio are areas that have always held my interest, and I will continue to attempt to produce works that I would actually share with strangers with an expectation that someone may actually enjoy them or find them useful in some way. But that’s a long way off, and not something I’m focused on as I sit here at the beginning of 2019.
What, then, is there? There is this: a banjo. I returned a gadget I had asked for and received (a Google Home Hub, if you must know), and ordered an inexpensive starter model of banjo in its stead. This required more reading, watching, and listening, but now, there was an actual purpose: the learning of the types of banjo and the styles of playing, and the gaining of sufficient knowledge to make a reasonably informed decision on which banjo, as well as the right finger and thumb picks, to buy. Just the act of choosing to return yet another device for consumption in exchange for a thing to learn how to play is a major victory; in fact, I will go so far as to proclaim the year 2019 off to a rousing start, especially when coupled with the annual swearing off of added sugar in favor of more plants in my diet.
Two days (ok, a day and a half) into THAT effort, I already feel shockingly good compared to my normal state. That is likely the main reason I took the time to sit down and produce the words for this post. I know what to expect regarding my embrace of green and forsaking of sugar, because this isn’t my first rodeo: after the initial euphoria, in which my body is living off of plenty of stored badness while the formerly impenetrable fog of mind and body begins to clear, I will experience some exceedingly unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. And I will get through them with nothing more than a Tylenol or two, as they will be short-lived. Then, after rapid weight loss for a few more days and continuing overall well-being, I will come to a crossroads. Perhaps next week, maybe later. It will seem too easy, the progress will slow, and I will grow bored. It will be tempting to conclude, once again, that yes, the plant-based thing really does work, but what’s the harm in having that pancake with 100% maple syrup (or cookie, or ice cream, or burger, or Italian anything) on this special occasion (whatever that occasion may be)? But THIS time, I will grab my banjo, fire up a “how to play such and such on the banjo” video for one of my favorite songs, push through the doldrums and continue on to still greener pastures (as I continue my 2019 plant-based, banjo-infused diet while not being inhumane to any sentient animal for purposes of yummier-tasting food when so many amazing plant options are available with just a bit more effort and cost), because I stuck with it once before and want that feeling again. 2018 left me somewhat empty and unfulfilled, but 2019 is going to be something special. It already is!
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